He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
