my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
