How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
