somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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