You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
