I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
