And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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