Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
