whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
