I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
false alarm, still single
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