I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
