What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
