I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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