Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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