I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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