I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
