Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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