I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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