this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
