Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
