Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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