Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
