He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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