Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
