dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
