I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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