I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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