He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
