I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
