Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
