Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
not ubering you a puppy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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