i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
