dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
