I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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