bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
