I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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