Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
