She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
