I am spending my child support on dildos
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
