Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
