Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We have started to decorate penises.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
