I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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