Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
