omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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