I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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