I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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