Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Too much gin, very little bucket
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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