There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
