I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
