apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
