i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
