You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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