I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
