No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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