I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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