You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
